Persuasion’s anachronisms, however, include the kinds of phrases you’d find plastered on a drunk mom’s Facebook wall or overheard in a girls’ foreplay where one of the girls can’t stop whining about her ex. The Netflix film has lost the enjoyment of these modern reruns of Austen’s fantasy by not being original enough. Yet the film has somehow also strayed too far from Austen’s light to succeed. “It’s often said that if you’re a ‘5’ in London, you’re a ’10’ in Bath,” says one character, matter-of-factly, near the beginning of the film. This joke is too outdated even on the internet, where it was surely stolen, to be inked into a script right next to some of Austen’s loveliest lines about heartbreak and loss. Defenders have called out the “Austen police” who allegedly crack down on any adaptations of her books that aren’t as grand as the original novels. But even I, someone who has only read a lick of the acclaimed author but watched the wildly popular movies based on her work, felt the persuasion was a shame. If young people discover Austen through persuasion, good. Hopefully, though, it won’t remain their favorite take on history for long. Aside from the gonzo anachronisms—including “he’s just not that into you” lines and Fleabag impressions—Dakota “The Face of Someone Who Knows What an iPhone Is” Johnson is an uncharming Anne Elliot and her two suitors (Cosmo Jarvis as Captain Wentworth and Henry Golding as Mr. Elliot) have so little tension with her that I wished they’d cast horny reality dating contestants. Not really. Still: There were better actors to play these roles. (Sarah Snook, Joel Fry – I’ll get your revenge.) The dialogue is bad, but then so is the whole movie. So, as any scheming Jane Austen heroine might do, I thought it my duty to round up the worst of the worst of Netflix’s Persuasion. Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving: When we meet Dakota Johnson’s Anne Elliot, she tells us she’s “single and thriving” — as a joke, because it’s clear she’s getting lost. Wasn’t there a better way to poke fun at her mental state here? “Thriving” is so in 2015. It’s not 2022, it’s not 1817. Wine Mom Alert: From the moment the movie starts, there are wine mom moments to be had. First, Anne tells us she managed it by “lying face down on my bed”, drinking lots of wine and taking the hottest baths. Okay, girl, don’t give us anything! Yes to Netflix constantly glorifying alcoholism as “self care!” Later, Anna’s sister asks how she would dance to Beethoven. “Alone, in my room, with a bottle of red,” she groans. Again, a date-mom routine that has no place in 2022 or 1817 — or, really, ever. He’s Just Not That Into You: “I don’t think she’s his type,” another girl gossips to Anne. I don’t remember what or who it was about, but that phrase pissed me off. We don’t get into “types” in a Jane Austen film. She’s a 10 But She Liked Persuasion (2022): As mentioned above, the phrase “If you’re a 5 in London, you’re a 10 in Bath” goes around. What we haven’t seen is the fact that the film doubles down on this joke. Later, speaking of Mr. Elliott, Ann says, “He’s a 10. I can never trust a 10.” It wasn’t funny the first time, but the second time, I laughed – just at how loud the honest statement was. Cut the Music: The film’s score – composed by Rupert Coulson – isn’t fun or fun, nor dramatic or melancholic. It sounds like the rippling chords you’d hear on The Great British Baking Show: light, airy, unfocused and all of a sudden, over the top when some light drama happens. Either he’s been following history too much, or he’s completely out of it, diving into the baking scene for two centuries or so. “I’m an empath!” Anne’s sister Mary (Mia McKenna-Bruce) cries, saying she can’t spend time with her children if they’re in pain. “Empath” belongs on TikTok and Twitter, and hardly anything. Not in the Regency era! More Wine Mom: “Great,” Anne tells us bluntly, Fleabag-style, as she grabs a glass of wine, upset about how her life is turning out after a long day. Poor Anna. (And our poor.) Sorority Girl Grieving Her Break In a Pre-Game: “We’re worse than strangers. We’re exes,” Anne tells the audience, as she breaks it all up with Wentworth. Later: “Now, we’re worse than before. We’re friends.” Did the screenwriters forget to annotate the best passages while reading Persuasion in preparation for the film? Is that why they ended up with these annoying clichés? Taking Care of Herself: Anne’s sister, who probably ranks with Anne for the toughest quotes, tries to improve herself. “How do I prioritize self-care when everyone around me is constantly clamoring for my attention?” she asks. I love the sentiment of this quote, but gosh, let go of the “take care of yourself” thing, especially in a time when such a concept simply didn’t exist. Mama wine is enough. Pre-Game The Sorority Girl continues: “You’ll get together and be happy again!” Anne shouts to herself near the middle of the film – but maybe, in her mind, she’s really in the bathroom at a party, looking at herself in the mirror and holding a White Claw. That Final Wink : The Fleabag of it all, in Persuasion, is so jarring. By that, I don’t just mean brown haired British girl babes and sex drama. the entire film descends into inconsistent fourth wall breaking. Sometimes, Anne breaks the fourth wall every other sentence. Then, for a whole half hour, he’ll pretend we’re not here. There is no purpose to this trick. It doesn’t improve the story in any way. Rather, it’s just a technique used to entice Fleabag fans (like me). But in the end, Persuasion delivers one of his most hideous tracks. As she is face-sucking her final choice among suitors—and yes, Anne uses the term “face-sucking” in the film—Anne looks back at us. It’s creepy. And then he winks. Fearful. I had to turn off the movie 10 seconds before the credits started playing.
