In the first two rows were some of the MP’s supporters. Mordaunt might have hoped for a rather more stellar line-up from Andrea Leadsom, David Davis, Maria Miller and Sarah Atherton – not to mention underdogs like Michael Fabricant and James Gray. However, it does have George Freeman, the new Oliver Letwin who is so indecisive he has an existential crisis just choosing what to eat for breakfast, and Charles Walker, the sweetest and kindest MP. So he must be doing something right. After a brief introduction by Leadsom, who surprised everyone by not being delusional enough to have a third crack at the leadership, Mordaunt fought her way to the lectern. He had spent much of the past few days making parliamentary appointments with Tory MPs, he began. And what he had found was an abundance of humility and an unwavering sense of duty. Which was amazing. Because anyone else who spent more than five minutes with many Conservative MPs would have detected a dysfunction of raging narcissism. Just imagine the collective right to believe you are the person born to be a leader. Someone to make the big decisions for billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money. Anyone with genuine self-esteem and not an inflated ego would definitely exclude themselves. I know it’s a tough job and someone has to do it, but you can’t help but think that by and large the system is geared towards attracting people who should be excluded. Mordaunt then went on to her credentials. He knew he was born to lead the country from the age of nine, when he saw the Falklands team leave Portsmouth. It was a more compelling story than any of the other candidates. even if most of us would be deeply suspicious of a nine-year-old with that degree of certainty. He also insisted the country was fed up with the Tories fighting each other. Not knowing that he was one of the main leaders in a leadership battle. Self-awareness etc… British public ‘fed up’ with broken promises, says Penny Mordaunt – video “The party has lost its sense of self,” he said afterwards. It was as if Paul McCartney at Glastonbury wasn’t playing enough of his old hits. Well… except all but five of his 39-song set list were written in the last century. But never let the truth interrupt a hopeful Tory leadership in the middle of a nostalgia trip. What was needed was a return to small-state conservatism, lower taxation. All will be paid for by some unspecified Brexit dividend. And patriotism. Or something else he forgot to tell us. Mordant’s eyes watered as she stared into the middle distance and nodded slowly and deliberately several times after each sentence. As if to make it clear she agreed with herself. And he was deeply moved by what he was saying. You can imagine her practicing her self-affirmations in the mirror every morning. “Who’s BEST? You’re the best. Who’s the next prime minister? ME, ME, ME. PM4PM!” It might have worked for Penny, but not for me. I could feel myself sleeping in the heat. Along with almost everyone else in the room. Mordaunt may have a vision, but it’s not a physical communication. There’s a reason almost no one outside Westminster has heard of her. Ten minutes of one of her speeches is more than enough for anyone. The truth is, it’s a bit boring. Just like her book, Greater: Britain After the Storm, which deservedly went unnoticed by everyone. It’s doubtful that even Penny will read it. There may be less than meets the eye. There was just time to prove she was neither too wide awake nor too bigoted and distance herself from Boris Johnson before she returned to her office. Hard to believe, but we might just be watching the next prime minister in action. If she makes it to the bottom three, Mordant could be funny. Precisely because it’s not Liz Truss or Ready4Rish!, both of which projectile vomit across large sections of the Tory party. In the Commons, the Convict and Keir Starmer could barely be bothered to put forward the motions at Prime Minister’s Questions. It was all bloodless stuff, a void of futility. Johnson is yesterday’s man. An irrelevance. Someone once much loved and prized by the Tories has now been cast aside. A lesson in hubris. Just a week earlier, Johnson insisted he would fight and win. The Thousand Year Reich. Now his party could barely admit his existence. Liz Truss seemed to sit next to him only with discomfort. Being considered the candidate to succeed Boris is proving to be a niche market. One heavily frequented by Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nadine Dorries who ostentatiously approached her. The Labor leader hardly pretended to acknowledge the Condemner’s existence, focusing all his questions on the integrity of the Tory leadership candidates. Johnson looked equally bored. He wasn’t going to be silent, he said. He would continue to lie until the end. He still hasn’t registered why his party belatedly got rid of him. “You’re Captain Crasheroony Snoozefest,” he said lazily. Halfway through, the Rwanda Panda got completely fed up and gave up the ghost. These might be his last PMQs, he had decided. Not that he had anything better to do. But he was not going to sit down to be humiliated. He would find something better to do. Air miles Bozza. Maybe another trip to Kyiv to see Volodymyr Zelenskiy. Or a few nights in Tuscany with Alexander Lebedev. Although he better train for the hangover. No one noticed as he left the room. Sic transit gloria mundi. At exactly 5pm, Tory MPs crowded into a closed committee room again for the results of the first round of voting. Sunak was ahead, but not as far as he would have hoped. Mordant was powerful, Thrash less so. Zahawi was out. “I love my country,” he sobbed. Except his country didn’t love him. Jeremy Hunt secured the astonishing result of getting even fewer votes than he had the day before. Classy. Still, at least we’d be spared Esther McVey as deputy leader. You take your consolations wherever you find them.
