Stanley Johnson A hereditary peer in recognition of his work on violence against women and for his extraordinary versatility. It is an example to all of us of the importance of having no principle at all. He taught me everything I know. And it just so happens that when he dies, I end up with the title. Imagine this. Wilfred and Romy Johnson Lady Carrie, as she will one day, has just pointed out to me that neither Wilf nor Romy are to receive trinkets and will not inherit a title. So, in the meantime, I’m awarding them the Honorable Order of the Drinks Trolley, which will entitle them to keep the £3,500 Nureyev trolley owned by the Downing Street flat. Any other Johnsons It’s possible that some of you have the self-respect to refuse an honor from me, but, assuming you don’t, there’s plenty for you all. I’m not sure I can necessarily make other peers, but being a knight or damsel isn’t a problem. And if you could drop me some money, that would be a big help. I’m going to be a little tough for a while and I have nowhere to live. Please PayPal whatever you can to [email protected] Paul Dacre The best of the best. The man who embodies the highest principles of a democratic free press. Courteous at all times. Thank you for always answering the phone when I had a problem and going the extra mile to provide useful stories for the Daily Mail. For you, anything less than a peer is not good enough. You shall henceforth be known as Lord Fack of Foxshire. Durham Police Like the Met, only special measures are good enough for you. You had a job! For heaven’s sake, there have been 13 straight days of Daily Mail front page stories telling you that Keir Starmer was guilty of a Covid party, and yet you have continued to blindly look at the evidence and exonerate him. What happened to policing without fear or favour? Nadine Dorries The most loyal and silly colleague. Supporting me even through the most difficult times – mainly because she knew no one but me would ever consider her for a cabinet position. For her the Order of Merit for her services to destroying the BBC, Channel 4 and literature. Her books are unique. Gratefully. Jacob Rees-Mogg I’ve never seen enough of the Moggster’s appeal. He’s a kind of person in an oversized suit who never really got to grow up. But he’ll do whatever I tell him. So he gets an MBE for simple breathing. He’ll want more than that, but he’s desperate enough to get anything. Lord Brownlow The traveling checkbook no prime minister could do without. He was, quite simply, amazing. I would buy whatever I liked, send him the bill and he would just pay it. No questions asked. And he has promised me that he offers a discreet service to former prime ministers. So for him, a second peerage. Lord Lord Brownlow. Lulu Lytle To be honest, I think Lulu has absolutely no taste. The wallpaper was absolutely horrible and didn’t even stick to the walls. No wonder Dilyn got pissed off with that. But Carrie thinks Lulu is a genius, and anything for a quiet life. And to be fair she kept her mouth shut for some of the parties. So he gets an OBE on the condition that he offers us a 75% discount to build our next house. Wherever it is. Martin Reynolds Good old Party Marty. He may have been useless as a top civil servant in No 10, but he sure could throw some great parties for all of us in Downing Street when we were all under Covid. The fun we had. I will never forget the bodies piled up in the flower beds. So he gets a K and becomes ambassador to Saudi Arabia. Love to see how it does in a dry country! Alexander Lebedev If his son can get peers, then Alex should be in line for one. Hell, he sure earned it by not babbling about that party in Italy. Christ I must have been pissed all weekend because I barely remember anything. I hope I didn’t leak anything to the KGB. Stand up Mr. Lebedev of Lubyanka. Chris Evans There must be a trinket for the editor of the Daily Telegraph. After all, I’m going to need my regular £350,000-a-year gig to knock down one poorly written column a week. Or maybe we could round it up to even £500k now. After all, inflation is now over 10%. Just wait until I find out who was prime minister all this time. What did you say, Chris? Quite an old boy. Knight mate of the garter is. Conor Burns Some things, when seen, cannot be seen. But you did bravely to curb your PTSD… And for your silence, you get a K. Case Simon I can’t tell you how convenient it is to have a Cabinet Secretary who is so thoroughly naughty. Someone who hardly notices anything and does even less. He doesn’t even react when he knows I’m lying. Wonderful. So if you’re still awake, Simon, there’s a knight waiting for you in your office. Evgeny Lebedev Yes, yes, I did not forget you. Will you be doing a CBE this time? Usual terms. A million quid in used euros. Or a “Prince Charles” as we call him now. The owner of Luxury Treehouses Ltd I have no idea your name but there is an OBE for you if you can find your way into giving me a free £150,000 treehouse. I promise to promote it by photographing it while writing my memoir. Like that silly David Cameron and the shepherd’s hut. Chris Pincher You’ve had a hard time lately, old boy. Any of us could have been caught groping when we were pissed off. So hopefully a K makes things up a bit. Michael Gove It is an amazing achievement to have been sacked by three different Prime Ministers for infidelity. I didn’t make it either. So, I’m creating the Ancient Order of the Turncoat just for you. I look forward to getting fired for the fourth time by whoever replaces me. Matt Hancock I know how desperately you and Gina want to be Sir Matt and Lady Hancock. That’s why I’m not going to give it to you! Your need is very pleasant. I dream.
